I've Never Been Good At Keep One of These...

Alright, So Here's What's New::

As of This Moment

I am 12Weeks4Days Pregnant.

I am puking, sore, peeing every hour

and am continually getting headaches.

-As soon as I found out I scheduled an appointment

for when I was almost 6 weeks and the day I went in

I found out that I couldn't even be seen because the

government put an end to my insurance.

-Then I sent them a blood test saying I was pregnant

and they gave me full coverage.

-So at 7 Weeks I finally got into the doctors

where they took a lot of blood and checked

my legs and ankles for swelling.

and giving my insurance decided to have the baby

at Wyandotte Hospital and to have a ob appointment

with a doctor from there.

The day of that appointment my doctor's office

calls me and tells me the government has changed my

type of insurance again and I have to go to a different

hospital (South Shore Hospital) and a different ob.

-The new ob cannot get me in until May 26th.

AWESOME.

By Then I'll be 13Weeks3Days pregnant and it will be

the last week of my first trimester.

Not exactly how I wanted to spend the

first 3 weeks of pregnancy.

So I think I have gotten like 5 books on pregnancy

so I can simply get my questions answered.

Pheewwww.

Run.

I Just Don't Know.

My Mind is Everywhere.

I Always find myself Running Away.

From Everything...

Problems, People, Hope, God.

And it always leaves me....

Here.

I Just want to help people.

that's it.

To Help.

I Just Want To Help Myself..

But everyone Always throws me around.

it seems impossible.

No one takes the time.

I don't take the time.

To be honest.

Would you take the time?

Probably.

because you're a "good" person right.

B.S

just saying.

I am so ready to move to Indiana.

God, Orphans, Love.

As Many of you already know I have been e-mailing back and forth with a man and his wife who run an orphanage in Thailand. Mark and I are so excited for what God is going to do in us. Since We have been talking about it many of our friends have come up to us and want to join us. I am telling them to pray about because this is something you have to be ready for and something that you have to be risking it all for and willing to do all that God wants. I have recently discovered that I no longer care about the trials I am being put through or how much I am being attacked by satan because this only means that I am Following God and I will continue to do so for all of eternity. His Love is Better than Life. Than Life in all it's Joys and in life in all it's Pain. God is

to Mold into the person he needs and wants me to be to do his will for my life. And I am continuously seeking after Him to Hear Him and to Feel Him and See Him. It is so awesome to see God not Just working in Mark and Mine's Life but also In the Lives That Surround us. We are Truly Blessed by Our Maker to Be simply breathing We Are Tremendously Blessed Because we have a home, a family, and a Heart for Those who Don't.

So Here are a few videos that are So awesome..

I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

Isaiah's Story

Isaiah's Story from 31Films on Vimeo.

Today.

Today Was Very Uneventful.

Sometimes I Just Need A Day To Sit with My Family and Laugh.

Although the only People I Am laughing with are David and Danielle.

it's Still Family.

I Have Begun to Search for Places Where I can somehow help

children/babies in need.

Mostly I have found orphanages which would be awesome!

The first Orphanage I went to Thailand and it was an AIDS orphanage..

I wish we had gotten to stay longer because those babies touched my heart

like no other.

To Be Honest, I never wanted to leave.

The workers were showing mark and i rooms

that they wanted us to stay in.

I Wish i knew where and what it was called... i would go back

in a second.

I Remember meeting one little girl in particular names

Bow. She was beautiful and for some reason We bonded

automatically. I Wish i could have taken her home.

I get sad when I think about it because I wonder

if she's still here...

Well That's where my Heart is right now.

I Would get up and leave everything if God

told me he wanted me in an orphanage

in some third world country.

But For right now I just have to keep praying and seeking.

On Tuesday Muscle Mike told me that God speaks through

multiple ways but it takes us actually listening.

We can say we're waiting on the Lord all we want

but if we only wait a minute for His answer then

we're really getting no where.

All I know is God told me to "Go"

and I don't know where that is but

I know this incredible need and want I have to

take care of these children is not from me.

I Will give up everything to help them.

No Matter the cost.

So God Here I am.

Speak, For Your Child is Listening.

"I Will Not Leave You as Orphans, I Will Come To You." John 14:18

Life Groups

I Am Teaching my Life Group Today and I am talking about where God is When He is silent.

I have been wanting to Use This Poem by Bradley Hathaway for A long Time and I'm So glad That I finally Get To.

So Here It Is::

Silence By Bradley Hathaway:

What's Happening Here?

I Was Once So Alive and Now...

I'm So Full of Dread and Almost Dead.

Show Me Your Wounded Head That Has Led to Communion With The Father.

But Where did He Go?

His Presence Seems Farther and Farther Away Each Day, But I'm Trying so Hard to Steer His Way.

Yet Still, Lonely and Confused on This Cold, Hard Ground I Lay.

Speak to Me Wise Mouth and Say;

"It's All Good Kid, It's Nothing That You Did,

And though it Feels Like I'm Not Here With You Right now Just Be Still and Silent and Listen for That Sound...

Shh...

Did You Hear it?

Listen Agian.

Did You Hear it?

That Silent Voice that Just Spoke Nothing, that is Me.

I'm Listening to Your Plea with Open Ears, Counting All your Tears Flowing From Your Irritated Eyes, Searching the Skies, Looking for That Hope That Beyond There Lies.

Oh You, Young Worrisome Sparrow, Find Rest!

Lay Your Battered Head Upon my Omnipresent Breast and Make It Your Nest.

No Strong, Cold Wind could Ever Blow and Carry You from This Your Home.

Look Around, See The Life Shooting Up from the Ground?

Spring Colors Springing Forth in Celebration of This, Your Trusting.

It's a Constant Process this Is.

Growing You into the Man That You Are to Become.

But when you Sense the Setting of the Sun know It is Only Rising and Has Just Begun.

Now Go Forth, Sing Songs of Faith, and Lift Up Others in the Midst of This Race.

And If You can't Keep the Pace or Lose Sight of My Face, Just Know that I Am always Near So You Need Not Fear.

But Don't Worry About All That Right Now.

Just Sit Her and Enjoy the Peace i Offer in My Silence.

When I Am Silent, I am Listening and Not Abandoning.

"So Do Not Fear, For I Am With You; Do Not Be Dismayed, For I Am Your God."

Isaiah 41:10

"God is Our Refuge and Strength, an Ever-Present Help in Trouble." Psalm 46:1

"I Will Never Fail You, I Will Never Abandon You." Hebrews 13:5

I Will Go.

You are Whispering to my Heart.

It Pounds at the Familiarity of Your Voice.

It was Longed for You, Yearned for Your Presence.

And now You Are here.

I am so Overjoyed, so Overwhelmed.

I Do not know what to do.

So I Will Listen.

And to my Heart You Say...

You Must Go!!

I Will Go... Live to Feed The hungry, Stand beside the Broken... I Will Go!

To Bleed is To Bleed

So These last few weeks have been filled with struggle and joy.

1. I got into a car accident.

2. We had to use the school money to buy a new car

BUT

1. There are so many others who have it worse than I do

and I am blessed to be where I am, with the people I have.

2. Adam and Katie went to Rwanda to bring home

their Beautiful, wonderful baby boys.

I am realizing my love for children.

I can't put this into words right now..

and I don't think it is the right time.

And I have recently discovered that

I am so sick of sitting here

waiting for life to just happen.

I'm going to make it happen.

Now, I am only waiting on the Lord.

Lastly... I wrote this

on November 23, 2009

I Wake up from a Night of Restlessness, my Mind just won't Stop.

When Will I get Rest from This?

This thinking Ticks like A Clock.

I've taught myself to Remember, but at the Same time to Forget.

I Remember all the Things to cause my Blood to Spill, but Forget about All The Good things God did.

I Grab the Closest Blade- No Matter what it is.

And as I begin to Tare, to Slice, I feel no relief and All I See is Blood.

There is no Pain, Nothing Triggers in my mind.

Just The Response of how Can you Do This?

The Others, They're not Blind.

As the Cuts begin to Burn and I begin to Breath, I realize it did Nothing... how did It not Help me?

It is This Moment I will Always Remember... This Moment When These Cuts are just Cuts and this Blood is Only Blood.

When I Realize that it is Not My Blood but His that can trigger my mind.

When will I Learn to Accept His when I want to accept Mine?

This Journey I will Embark on, This Risk I will Take.

If I don't Accept The Blood of Christ it will only be My Mistake.

So as I say I am Sorry for What I have Done, I Accept His Blood and This time I Choose Not To Run.

I know Now that To Bleed is To Bleed, but to Choose Christ is to Be Forgiven.

And To Be Forgiven is to have A Second Chance.

I Won't Forget my Savior and I won't Forget His Son.

For to Bleed is to Bleed but To Choose Christ is to Have Won.